Aplatie
French for “pressed, flattened…crushed”. Not that the language makes a difference, how you feel is how you feel, and I, normally a confident, self-assured independent woman have transformed myself into an awkward, teenager-type who blathers more words than sense, given more to adolescent feelings than adult rationality. Fuck it. It’s annoying to have a crush, particular when the object of said ridiculity is totally unaware of how you feel (or worse, IS aware and is trying to be kind to you so as not to hurt your feelings - yuck, the thought of it makes me want to retch repeatedly until i’ve excised the offending spot). It’s fucked-up enough to crush on someone, it’s fathoms worse when it’s a friend.
As an adult, I’m responsible for my own feeling, but the simpering, self-pitying teenager renting space in my mind right now doesn’t give a rat’s ass - she wants to say, no yell “Why don’t you include me in your life, your thoughts, your friends, intimacies like I want to include you. I’m a GREAT girl”
Ugh. Putrid. I don’t even know if this guy deserves me, and here I am, mewling in piteous martyr’s silence.
Glad I can write this out, say how I feel. Fucking thrilled I’m anonymous